We've all heard that inventors can get rich by "building a better lightbulb."

Screw that. Lightbulbs are cheap, and I can pick 'em up in the grocery store. Takes about twenty seconds.

What inventors should really be focusing on are the things that piss us off in our everyday lives. In order to get them started, I've come up with a helpful list of inventions that just about everyone would like to see.

#1 Electroshock feedback devices on telephones.

All phones should come standard with these puppies. For 25 cents, you should be able to dial *187 and send an electrical shock right through the phone to zap the person on the other end. Think about what this would do to the telemarketing industry! Call me during dinner will you? It would have countless other applications too... ex significant others who won't take the hint, people calling for charitable contributions. You know those automated systems that have the nerve to call you up and then ask you to hold until a telemarketer can get to you? Just dial*187! Fry their whole damn computer system...

Of course, there would be the potential for abuse. Zapping people unneccessarily would have to be punishable by law, but "he really deserved it" would be a legitimate legal defense.

#2 DNA full body reconstruction like in "The Fifth Element"

OK so I suppose it would have some lame uses like bringing folks back to life who have died in some tragic manner... but we're neglecting the true benefit of this kind of technology.

Murder would only be an inconvenience.

"Oh, you think it's ok to drive 57 in the fast lane during rush hour because you're 'over the speed limit'? Eat rocket propelled grenade!"

The possibilities are limitless. Paintball would be a thing of the past, we'd be able to do the real thing!

Not only that, but we could keep track of how many times each person has been reconstructed, and after so many goes, tough luck. If you've been blown up 37 times you probably deserve it.

Sure, we'd do some damage to the economy with missed work time, but think about it... everyone would be buying weaponry at almost half the rate of the average Texas redneck... so many jobs would be created that unemployment would vanish almost overnight!

Of course, someone would have to go around collecting DNA to reconstruct people, but I'll get to that later.

#3 Excercise machines from the Matrix

Remember when Neo got unplugged? They hooked up all his muscles to some little device on a table and they electroshocked him into buffness. The dude had never even opened his eyes, and within a day he was ready to knock boots with Trinity... not that I'd recommend that. Can you say "manly"?

I guess this means that I want to be lazy, but what the hell did we invent technology for anyway? I mean, back in the hunter gatherer days, they say we only worked about 4 hours a day. I say if we can't get ourselves back to that point, we should abandon the whole thing.

#4 Robotic Labor

What the hell? How long have sci-fi writers been going on about this? Get it together already.

Sure, robotic labor may be the pipe dream of the typical lazy American, but I say so what? They could take on all kinds of useful jobs that the average human being just doesn't want to do... like mortican, proctologist, or DNA collector (see Advance #2).

Besides, if robotic labor was taking care of all of our manual labor needs, humanity would be free to do nothing but white collar work... we could focus our time on important things, like making better video games.

#5 That "force baton" from Minority Report

OK this one doesn't have much practical value, but it's cool. Being able to fling people around on a whim would be really awesome. Mix in the technology they use for those "Moon Bounce" things that kids bounce around on at carnivals, put some goals in, and you've got yourself an awesome sport.

#6 Cybernetic eye enhancement

Maybe then we could get some good refereeing in the (*&%#@(* NFL.