However, for those of you who do care, here are my stands on the issues.
SOCIAL SECURITY
You hear a lot of talk these days about how the government cannot afford to keep giving more and more billions of dollars in Medicare and Social Security benefits to the elderly, especially to the wealthy, golf-playing, boat-owning, Lincoln-driving, mansion-dwelling, servant-lashing elderly. Well, here's what I say: I, the Greatest, personally will one day be a member of elderlyhood, and if I'm going to suffer from joint pain, gum disease, vision loss, irregularity, bladder malfunction, prostate disorders, hemorrhoidal swelling and an inexplicable fondness for reruns of "Murder, She Wrote," then by gosh I WANT MONEY FROM THE GOVERNMENT.
STANDARDIZED NATIONAL EDUCATIONAL TESTS
I believe that American schoolchildren should be given standardized national educational tests, and I will tell you exactly why: Because I am not a schoolchild. I am strongly in favor of things that I, personally, do not have to do. Childbirth is another example.
HEALTH CARE
As a male American, I believe that our Number One health-care priority, as a nation, must be to make the medical profession find some way to get to the prostate gland other than the way they're getting to it now.
Foreign Policy
France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks. France sucks.
And I'm not to pleased with Canada either.
CRIME
You can call me courageous if you want, but I am against crime. I favor the death penalty for everything, including zoning violations. In the case of really, really bad criminals -- especially murderers and whoever is responsible for putting Ryan Seacrest on television -- I support a massive government project to develop a way to bring them back to life after we execute them, so we can execute them again.
So remember, a vote for me is a vote for "The Greatest"
